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300 Sarcastic Quotes And Funny Sarcastic Jokes

Sarcasm is “a sharp, bitter, or cutting expression or remark” that is a taunt form of humor. It’s funny and witty, brings humor into our lives but it gives the most brutal kind of honesty too. But the meantime。sarcasm may employ ambivalence and a little harsh as well. although sarcasm is not necessarily ironic.

We listed some of the best sarcastic quotes here. I’m sure you’ll not just take pleasure in the funny sarcastic quotes but actually, love them. It’s easier to express our feelings to other people by being sarcastic. Life will be more fun to live!

Sarcastic Quotes About Life

“A paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.”

“I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than f..ck.”

“Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.” – Murphy’s Laws

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.” – Robert Oppenheimer

“Apology accepted. Trust denied.”

“I always say ‘Morning’ Instead of ‘Good Morning’ Because if it were a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.”

“To form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must, above all, be a sheep.” – Albert Einstein

“Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.” – Albert Einstein

“Sarcasm: The ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”

“Breaking someone’s trust is like crumpling up a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it over, but it’s never going to be the same again.”

“What we feel and think and are is, to a great extent, determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera.” – Aldous Huxley

“Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt.” – Cassandra Clare

“Just because nobody complains, it doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” – Benny Hill

“Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.” – Aldous Huxley

“People think I’m shy because I don’t get involved in their conversations. The truth is, I don’t give an f..ck what they’re talking about.”

“Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we dislike.” – Oscar Wilde

“Sometimes, I wish I could get a refund on the time I have invested in people that weren’t worth it.”

“Some people are just treasures that you just want to bury them.”

“Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you’re able to persecute.” – Jonathan Kellerman

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

“I am in one of those moods where I just want to throw the book at someone’s face and be like: I Facebooked you.”

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein

“Nothing brings a group of a…holes together faster than something that’s none of their business.”

“A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.” – Winston Churchill

“Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.”

“Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” – Robin Williams

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny, or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder

“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”

“Ugliness can be fixed; stupidity is forever.”

“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” – Abba Eban

“If everything seems to be going well, you have overlooked something.” – Murphy’s Laws

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”

“Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.”

“I know I don’t have to be sarcastic, but the world has given me so much material to work with. I would hate to be wasteful.”

“I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.” – Oscar Wilde

“Don’t argue with fools, because people from a distance can’t tell which one is you.”

“I’ve met some pricks in my time, but you, my friend, are the f..cking cactus.”

“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”

“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”

“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”

“Just because the voices only talk to me, doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”

“I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me.”

“Sweetie, I’m going to need you to put those few remaining brain cells together and work with me here, okay?”

“I take super-hot showers to practice burning in hell.”

“I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.”

“You sound better with your mouth closed.”

“Hey, what a coincidence! You have the same name as my dog!”

“You inspire my inner serial killer.”

“If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.”

“I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

“Sure, I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”

“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”

“Are you always this retarded, or are you making a special effort today?”

“What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically, better.”

“Your flexibility amazes me. How do you get your food in your mouth and your head up your ass all at the same time?”

“I don’t know how to accept compliments. So thanks, suck a d..ck or whatever.”

“How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue.”

“Not many people can listen to you and survive. I should be getting an award.”

“Forgive and forget? I’m neither Jesus, nor do I have Alzheimer’s.”

“My loyalty cannot be bought. However, it can be rented.”

“Good morning, world! Your little ray of scorching sunshine has arrived!

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright

“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

“Don’t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse.”

Sarcastic Quotes On Love

“Boy: “You’re not my type.”

“I believe in annoyed at first sight.”

“Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, “Who ties your shoelaces for you?”

“My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.”

“In all honesty, things would’ve never worked between us. I’m a unicorn; you’re a donkey; I’m majestic, and you, my love, are just an ass.”

“Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.” – Murphy’s Laws

“Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love.” – Benjamin Disraeli

“It’s weird, marriage. It’s like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their ‘other half.” – Jess C. Scott

“Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I could do so much without you.”

“Have you ever met someone and thought, “There goes the reason why contraceptives were invented?”

“Don’t worry about hurting my feelings, because I guarantee you not one bit of my self-esteem is tied up in your acceptance.”

“My soulmate is out there somewhere, pushing a pull door. I know it.”

“I don’t hate you. I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.”

“The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.” – Murphy’s Laws

“Babies are so lucky. They can sleep all day, and everyone still would be proud of them.”

“Forget Prince Charming. Go for the wolf. He can see you better, hear you better, and eat you better.”

“Boy: I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl: I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties.”

“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.” – Victor Borge

Sarcastic Quotes On Friendship

“True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.”

“If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.”

“My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”

“My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.”

“My girlfriend is so good at playing hide and seek. I haven’t found her yet.”

Sarcastic Quotes About Work

“I haven’t even gone to bed yet, and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” – Fred Allen

“Work tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return.”

“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”

“Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?”

“Tell me. Is being stupid a profession, or are you just gifted?”

“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”

“People ask me, “Why are you single? You’re attractive, intelligent, and creative.” My reply is, “I’m overqualified.”

“I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.”

“The more that learn to read, the less learn how to make a living. That’s one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know, the more you think somebody owes you a living.” – Will Rogers

“Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job.”

“I’m good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.”

Sarcastic Jokes

“Smile, it’s the second-best thing you can do with your lips.”

“Fighting with me is like being in the Special Olympics. You may win, but in the end, you’re still a retard.”

“If you press the elevator button three times, it goes into hurry mode.”

“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”

“Most people have “Ah-ha” moments. I have “Oh for f..ck’s sake, f..ck this shit” moments.”

“Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?”

“They say women speak 20,000 words a day. I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast.”

“Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”

“You’d be in good shape… if you run as much as your mouth.”

“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”

“So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?”

“I’ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can’t catch my breath.”

“Think I’m, Sarcastic? Watch Me Pretend To Care!”

“Zombies eat brains. Don’t worry; you’re safe.”

“Resting b..tch face saves me from so many conversations I don’t want to be a part of.”

“People that pay for things never complain. It’s the guy you give something to that you can’t please.” – Will Rogers

“If I had to pay you a dollar for every smart thing you say, I’d save a lot of money.”

“You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.”

“I’d rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea.”

“The whole purpose of sending a text is to get a reply within seconds or minutes. Otherwise, I would have sent a letter by fucking mail.”

“I have to stop saying how stupid you can be. Some people are starting to take it as a challenge.”

“Expect nothing, and you’ll never be disappointed!

“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”

“Oh… I didn’t tell you. Then it must be none of your business.”

“One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average.” – Jonathan Fuerbringer

“Sweetie, leave the sarcasm and insults to the pros. You’re going to hurt yourself. Go play in traffic.”

“I try not to laugh at my jokes, but we all know I’m hilarious.”

“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I thought you already knew.”

“There’s someone for everyone. And the person for you is a physiatrist.”

“An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.”

“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”

“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”

“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you; they can’t laugh either.”

“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had, you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”

“In my defense, I was left unsupervised.”

“Some people will only like you if you fit inside their box. Don’t be afraid to shove that box up their ass.”

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

“Oh, my bad. I’m sorry for bothering you. I forgot I only exist when you need me for something.”

“When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.”

“Just in case you haven’t noticed, you are ugly both mentally and physically. Other than that? You are wonderful!”

“Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” – Walter Kerr

“People who write “u” instead of “you.” What do you do with all the time you save?”

“Abracadabra! Nope. You’re still a b..ch.”

“I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.”

“When I’m feeling down, and someone says, “suck it up,” I get the urge to break their legs and say, “walk it off.”

“I don’t have a bad temper. I have a quick reaction to bullshit.”

“If the teacher tells you to get out, it means you have won the argument.”

“I’m a lady, but when I’m mad, I am an evil sadistic demon spawned b..ch from hell that will make you regret the day you were born. And when I’m happy, I like to bake cookies and shit.”

“We all have problems. Some of us choose not to post them on Facebook.”

“I can’t be around people who take everything I say seriously. I’m not mean, I’m just sarcastic as hell, and I like to joke around. Why are you crying?”

“I may look calm, but in my mind, I’ve killed you three times.”

“Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.”

“Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”

“Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”

“My alone time is sometimes for your safety.”

“Oh. I didn’t tell you. Then it must be none of your business.”

“Come here, you big, beautiful cup of coffee, and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.”

“If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”

“Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.”

“If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married, you can’t even change the TV Channel.”

“I’m going to hell in so many different religions.”

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”

“If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”

“When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.”

“The human race is lucky. I’m a nice guy. Otherwise, only 1/4 of them would be alive right now.”

“It takes two to lie… One to lie and one to listen.”

“It’s a match made in heaven…by a mentally disabled angel.” – Woody Allen

“Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”

“My son asked me what it’s like to be married, so I told him to leave me alone, and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.”

“Life is a soup, and I’m a freaking fork.”

“Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business?”

“I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.”

“Violence won’t solve anything. But it sure makes me feel good.”

“Underestimate me. That’ll be fun.”

“Teacher: We are going to play the quiet game.Student: Are you playing too?”

“Yesterday, I fell from a 10-meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.”

“Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”

“I hope the bus you threw me under swerves to hit you on the sidewalk.”

“Grammar. The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.”

“It’s nearly time for my Psychotic Break.”

“Excuse me, which level of hell is this?”

“If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.”

“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are the Monday of my life.”

“When people don’t make sense, listen to music. It always does.”

“Don’t take yourself so seriously; no one else does.”

“Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade; I’ll take the pin.”

“If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whose funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, “haven’t decided yet.”

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”

“If anything can go wrong, it will.” – Murphy’s Laws

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking that I think that you’re thinking I’m thinking because if you think that I think what I think I’m thinking then we’ve got a problem?”

“Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.”

“I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk.”

“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

“I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”

“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”

“Here, let me drop what’s important to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs.”

“I’m an odd combination of “really sweet” and “don’t mess with me.”

“Have no fear of perfection — you’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali

“You fell asleep! No, I just closed my eyes for a few hours.”

“Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”

“Hmmm, I’m going to file your opinions right here between “f..ck this” and “f..ck that.”

“You: Do you think I am stupid?Me: It’s not your fault.”

“Warning. I’m bored. Things could get dangerous.”

“Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go.”

“Dear Life. Could you at least start using lubricant?”

“I’m sorry. What language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.”

“I don’t hate you. It’s just my attitude that has problems with your personality.”

“Here’s a tissue, you have a little bullshit on your lip.”

“I’m quite sarcastic, and I’m funny, but not kind of funny. It’s a weird funny, and some people don’t get me, and some people do.” – Millie Bobby Brown

“I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.”

“I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways.”

“When something goes wrong in your life, just yell “Plot Twist” and move on.”

“Don’t judge a book by its cover. Don’t judge a student by his percentage.”

“Some people are a human version of a migraine.”

“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”

“It is better to be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.” – Mark Twain

“Congratulations! You’ve managed to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit again. Would you like an award for that?”

“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”

“Hey! I had shoes like those once. Then my father got a job.”

“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!”

“Oh, and I suppose the apples ate the cheese.” – Suzanne Collins

“If you don’t like and still watch everything I do, b..tch you are a fan.”

“I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.” – Frank Lloyd Wright

“I almost gave an f..ck. Scared the shit out of myself.”

“Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.”

“You know what I like about people? Their dogs.”

“What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.” – Mark Twain

“I’m 97% sure you don’t like me, but I’m 100% sure I don’t care.”

“Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control.”

“Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face is pretty messed up!”

“Tell me how I have upset you because I want to know how to do it again.”

“Sarcasm: Helping intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.”

“You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”

“Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures.’” – Robin Williams

“I hate when I am about to hug someone sexy, and my face hits the mirror.”

“I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t prepared for any follow-up conversation.”

“People who reply to my sarcasm with sarcasm are my favorite.”

“Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.”

“Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!”

“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”

“You have no one to blame but yourself. Unless some other guy is standing next to you, then you can blame him.”

“I’m not petty, I’m dead ass disrespectful and I will straight up disrespect you if you want to play that petty game. Your feelings will be hurt.”

“When people see you lying down with your eyes closed, they still ask, “Are you sleeping?” And I’m like, “No. I’m training to die.”

“I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.”

“No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”

“I’ve got a good heart, but this mouth…”

“Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”

“I need a cocktail. Hold the tail.”

“I’m sorry I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.”

“My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.”

“I’m a morning person but often choose to sleep straight through it.”

“Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”

“My decision-making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.”

“I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”

“Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”

“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately, not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams

“The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.”

“Don’t worry about what I’m doing. Worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.”

“I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days, I lost two weeks.”

“Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”

“You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.”

“There’s no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.”

“Don’t be an a..hole to me, cause then I have to be an a..hole to you. And I’m way better at being an a..hole than you are.”

“You are offended by the things I say? Imagine the stuff I hold back.”

“If you see me smiling, it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing, it’s because I’ve already done it.”

“If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”

“You: Go to Hell!Me: See you there.”

“Whatever you do, always give 100 % unless you are donating blood.

“I wasn’t mad, but now that you asked me seven times if I’m mad.. yes, I’m mad.”

“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”

“I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.”

“Nobody cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.” – Cynthia Nelms

“Only dead fish go with the flow.”

“People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.”

“Listen, I’m a nice person. So if I’m a b..ch to you, you need to ask yourself why.”

“That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”

“If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”

“It must be hard putting makeup on your two faces every day.”

“Girl, you’re like a car accident, cause I just can’t look away.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?”

“I thought I had seen the pinnacle of stupid. Then I met you.”

“I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.”

“You, sir, are the human version of period cramps.”

“Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Some girls are made of sarcasm, wine, and everything fine.”

“My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.”

“Husband: Tell me an interesting fact that will make me happy and sad at the same time. Wife: Yours is bigger than all your friends.”

“I am a nice person. Just don’t push the b..ch button.”

“To insult me, I must value your opinion. Nice try, though.”

“My mother didn’t raise a fool. A psychotic cold-hearted b..ch. But not a fool.”

“I’ve got heels higher than your standards.”

“Well, at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”

“Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.”

“My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.”

“Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately, it kills all its students!”

“Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”

“If you are cooler than me, would that make me hotter than you?”

“Did something bad happen to you, or are you just naturally ugly.”

“You: Do you want a piece of my mind?”

“You know you’re awesome when people you don’t even know hate you.”

“You always do me a favor, when you shut up!”

“You are the result of 4 billion years of evolution. So act like it.”

“Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile on your face when pushed down the stairs…

“See this hand? It’s going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.”

“If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.”

“I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables, but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts.”

“Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”

“Good judgment comes from experience. And experience? Well, that comes from poor judgment.”

“I’m confident my last words will be, “Are you fu…ng kidding me?”

“This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.”

“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”

“Controlling my tongue is no problem. It’s my face that needs deliverance.”

“My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.”

“If I ever need a heart transplant, I’d want my ex’s. It’s never been used.”

“If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.”

“What did I do to give you the impression I care about what you think?”

“I’m not saying I hate you. But I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.”

“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you could have a key made.”

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